If anyone who is reading this has ever lost a loved one, then they may
understand the heartache, confusion, grief, anger and frustration that I
felt (and often still do) on the 19th November 2001.
My Mum's bay mare had always
been the priority of our household, much to my Dad's annoyance, but she was
special and always there. Her name was Toya and she was a brave, cheeky and
intelligent Welsh Cob with a star – because she was such a
Star!
I say she was my Mum's horse
because she was, but that didn't mean I loved her any less. My Mum had had
her for sixteen hard but joyous years, they were a partnership never meant
to be broken and a forgiving close friend that should never of left my side.
But as they so rightly say, 'all good things must come to an end', and so
they did.
On a cold but dry morning
in November, we lost a tremendous chunk of our lives and of our hearts. For
'Dear old Toy' had to be put down as she had developed a condition called
pedalostitis, a problem of the hoof for which there is no cure but only pain
and suffering.
There was no other option, no other way out, it had to be done otherwise
it would be selfish and cruel to everything she had done for us. The decision
shook our lives, it ripped and ate at our hearts and it was always there
throbbing in our minds.
I couldn't stay with Toy
until the end. I wanted to remember her alive with the Great Spirit still
twinkling in her deep brown eyes. I can remember plaiting her long black
mane, threading daisies through the gaps. I can remember watching her in
the arena, hobbling along but still with her ears pricked and the life shining
in her eyes. I can remember my last goodbye to her as we both leaned over
the arena fence, her head in my arms as if she knew it would be the last
time we stood, holding on to each other. For the last time.
As I walked along the road
by the arena, I saw her; the sun was shining and gleaming off of her coat.
I allowed one smile. She looked stunning and as if she would be there forever,
but of course `nothing lasts forever' does it?
I carried on standing there
and then she caught sight of me and called out to me, it ran right through
my body, clutched at my heart and chilled me to the bone. It may sound stupid
but I felt it was her way of saying goodbye – as if she knew.
And that was the last time
I saw and heard her. The last time I saw my dear friend.
I turned away and walked back to my Gran's house, walking in a daze. I
sat in her back garden and sat there gazing up at the Quantocks. Toya had
loved those hills so much. It had been the place where her and my mum had
shared so many memories. Toya used to love standing on the edge of the Gallops
looking down onto the fields and roads below – she had always been a
nosy and interested creature. It was the place where Toya and my mum could
escape and be free – get away from all the troubles they may have faced.
One moment the world was still and silent and then I felt raindrops on my
skin, yet the sun was still out making the rain glisten in the light. I
desperately thought they were Toy's tears – the whole world acknowledging
its great loss. Looking up I saw that the Rainbow was shining over the Quantocks.
I do not know if you have heard of Rainbow Bridge but it is a place where
all our animals go until their friends and dear owners catch up. It will
sound stupid yet again, but to me it was a sign that she would be there waiting
until the day comes when the waiting is over and we are by her side once
more.
A few weeks later her ashes arrived. We then took Toy on her last journey
– to her final resting place – on her favourite spot on the Quantocks
called the Gallops. The ashes were buried at the end where she used to like
to stand and watch the world go by and I now like to think she is looking
down on us and watching over us. I also like to think she is out on the hills
the wind (as she used to do for the sheer fun of it) and running wild and
free – no longer running in pain but in carefree joy. She also has the
opportunity to run with the hunt as she pleases, as this was another of her
loved pastimes.
A simple plaque marks the spot bearing the message "In memory of a faithful
friend and companion – Toya – 1980~2001". But this message is an
understatement. She was our all and she was our everything.
During the few weeks of her agonizing passing, I found help in numerous poems
and quotes. Here are just a few:
"The word 'euthanasia' has Greek origins: 'eu' means 'good' and 'thanatos'
means 'death'."
"When the sun hides its face from us, and the night comes. You see stars
appear in the navy blue night. These are not your ordinary stars. They are
the stars in the eyes of horses, old and young that have gone from earth,
to a better place. So if you have ever lost a horse, always remember, every
night when the night falls over the sky, and the stars come out, Their Eyes
are watching over you. They watch the foals come into the world, and they
watch over their old owners who loved them so. So if you miss your horse
that has left you, look into the sky and remember, Their Eyes are Watching
over You."
Here is a poem that my Mum
started and I finished:
In my dreams –
She walks with me
In my heart – She is still free
In my mind – I'm lost without her
In my soul – It's gone to find her
In my kiss – She feels my love
In my peace – There is no dove
In my life – She is everywhere
In my thoughts – She will always be there.
So rest in peace, darling
of the winds, and thank you so much for being such a vital part of out lives.
Goodnight, sweetheart. And thanks. Always loving you and always missing
you.
X X X X X X X X
With loving thoughts from Megan (Little Miss)
Toya 
