In our lives there is often
a special person that helps us discover who we are and teaches us to love.
For many, this figure is a mother or father.
I grew up with an abusive
father, and a mother that loved me very much but was often afraid to try
to stop the abuses I received. I feared every day and quickly learned to
trust no one. The final blow came when my father tried to molest me. My mother
packed our bags and we fled to my grandparents. I was sent to therapy and
had many interactions with various lawyers. I would not speak to
anyone.
It was around this time
that my mother received a phone call from the barn owner at the barn where
I was taking riding lessons. She told my mom that I could ride Squirt in
my lesson that night. I had no idea who Squirt was, but I was excited to
ride a "fancy horse".
Later that day, I went
to the barn and saw Squirt for the first time. Never before had I seen anything
so beautiful. He was a big chestnut, with a skinny stripe down his narrow
face. Someone helped me tack him up and I mounted him.
I can't properly explain
to you the feeling that overcame me in that particular moment, but it sure
felt good. We started walking and poor Squirty was so stressed with a new
rider, he was just lathered in sweat. I loved him from the second I got on
him. I couldn't stop smiling. And at that moment in my life, I had never
felt happier.
Squirty had trust issues.
He loved to jump, but would often refuse jumps and rear at them. I obviously
had trust issues as well. I would rarely speak to people. We grew and learned
with each other, and finally I trusted him and he trusted me back. We competed
in several shows, and for the first time in a very long time, he didn't refuse
anything.
I used to call his name
and he would immediately shove his head out of his stall door and nicker
for me. I would run up to him and give him a big kiss. Not a day went by
that I didn't tell him I loved him. We could communicate without talking...he
always knew how I felt. It was such an amazing feeling to know that he loved
me so much and trusted me with all of his heart. He made me feel safe and
let me trust a male figure for the first time in my life.
Squirty passed away a year
ago today. He colicked and the vet could do nothing to take his pain away.
I walked him outside, beside his favorite tree, and told him how much I loved
him and how I would never forget him. The vet slowly injected him with a
needle. I put my arms around him and stayed with him until his soul was gone.
In his last few seconds, he looked up at me with so much love in his eyes,
I knew that he would always be my special boy.
I love you, Squirty, and
I will never forget you.
Squirt 
