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NF X TB
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April 8, 1987 - July 10, 2011
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Those stars that shine the brightest cannot shine for long. |
My Darling Sadie May,
Where do I start? There is so much I want to tell you, to make sure you never forget me nor the love I have for you.
It’s been 11 days since you were snatched so cruelly from me but it already feels like a lifetime.
The burden of your loss that my heart has to carry feels unbearable. I never thought it was possible to feel such pain in my heart. I find it hard to breathe sometimes. I miss you girl more than words could ever say.
You were and still are my best friend, my soul mate and confidant. I can remember that glorious day in October 1992. I first saw you as if it was only yesterday. I close my eyes and can picture you in all your beauty, what a stunning girl you were. I loved you from that very moment and I will carry on loving you just the same until the day I die.
Who knew that a chance encounter was to lead to a friendship between us that would span nearly two decades. Me, a young girl of 14 and you a mere baby yourself at only 5, but we grew up together and flourished. Quite honestly, you saved me from myself when I was a very angry, hurt and confused 14 year old girl on the road to self destruction. But from the moment you entered my life you made the world a better place and I felt a sense of hope, everything made sense, I had a purpose and that was to look after you.
Do you remember that day back in October 1992? I whispered in your ear that you would always have a home with me and you would never know what hunger, thirst, cold, pain or fear felt like ever again. I can only hope that I managed to deliver that promise in the last 19 years, my darling. Everything I did, I did for you. You were and still are my number one.
We grew up together and we became a team, we didn’t need anyone else, we had each other and that was enough. You helped me flourish from a 14 year-old girl who didn’t care what happened to her to the grown woman I am today. I am who I am because of you.
However we had our problems over the last 19 years and at times it was very difficult as people told me to sell you or have you shot as you proved dangerous to ride at times. In the end, after much investigation, you were diagnosed with a spinal problem and I retired you immediately when you were just 9. I just knew it wasn’t a behavioral issue as your heart was so big and so kind, it just didn’t make sense.
Then those people said I should get rid of you as you were useless and a waste of money but what these people failed to understand is that was NEVER a chore or you a burden as just being in your presence and caring for you was an honor and a privilege. People would comment that you were so lucky to have landed a home with me but it would anger me greatly as I was the lucky one to have found you. Over the years I have seen various therapists and been on many different meds but you were better than any drugs or therapy. A hug with you made everything OK. I am not so sure what the future holds without you, my sweet girl.
I am so sorry that for the last 10 years I had to keep you on full livery so far away from home, which meant I only saw you once or twice a week whilst I was busy forging a career for myself. I felt guilty but I justified to myself that my career meant I could keep you in the life of luxury you so deserved, you never wanted for anything and I tried to give you the best of everything. I missed you so much but I know Pam looked after you as one of her own and you were so happy and settled there with your buddy, Fantasy, for company. I also hope you can forgive me for making the decision of moving you right by my home in October 2010 and that it was right for you too. Maybe I was selfish, but I couldn’t bear being apart from you for any longer. I needed you, to see your sweet face again each day, hug you and just sit with you. To enjoy your twilight years together again. I was so stressed with the thought of moving you, tossed and turned for weeks if I was doing the right thing taking you away from your home for the last 10 years, but you being the superstar you are, took all in your stride and settled in more or less immediately. I was so proud of you, I thought my heart might burst.
The last 9 months of having you on my doorstep have been magical and better than I could ever have hoped for. Even though you were cared for by staff each day I still saw you every single day after work and weekends we spent together, we had such lovely times together, just relaxing in your stable or me grooming you and giving you those belly scratches you loved so much, whilst telling you how my day went. Sometimes before I knew it 2 hours had passed, that is how much I loved your company.
If I have one regret it's that I didn’t move you sooner, I feel like I lost out on 10 precious years of your life. I am so sorry but I didn’t want to put you through the upheaval when you were so happy and settled. It took me years to pluck up the courage to go ahead with moving you. If I had known that our time was to be cut so short I would have moved you 10 years ago. Maybe there was still a part of me that was like the innocent, naive, young girl who first saw you all those years ago but I thought you would live until your late 20’s or even 30’s and so I just assumed we had much more time together. How wrong I was. Although the last few months you suffered some illnesses and infections, we got over each one together and the vets couldn’t believe how well you looked for a 24 year old cushinoid horse, what spirit you had in you to get well and what a total saint you were despite the many needles and examinations you had to endure. You took it all in your stride with the dignity and grace you exuded from the very beginning.
I cannot bring myself to think of the 10th July 2011 in detail, the day you left me and the day my whole world fell apart. Life will never be the same without you. It was such a shock, one minute you were happy and healthy and within 24 hours you were gone. I am so sorry I couldn’t save you Sadie, I begged the vets to do everything and anything they could to make you better. They tried, baby girl, but you were so so tired and I could see the light has gone from your beautiful dark eyes. I play it back in my head like it's some sort of surreal movie clip and I cannot believe that those words came out of my mouth. The words that would end your life. But with Judith holding one hand and Carl holding the other whilst we knelt beside you, I somehow found the courage to give you my last loving gift, the gift of peace. The vet said that if we didn’t help you go to sleep then you would pass away quietly yourself very soon. I couldn’t sit and watch that happen. I didn’t want you to suffer for a second longer. As you went to sleep do you remember me whispering in your ear how very much I loved you, how proud I was to share my life with you, thanking you so much for the last 19 years? That you needed to be brave, but that I was with you every step of the way. Did you hear that, girl? I can only desperately cling to the hope that you did. They say the hearing is the last sense to go so I hope you heard me. And within a few seconds and a deep sigh from you, your pain ended and mine began, but that’s OK because I will pay that price for the last 20 years with you.
I carry your headcollar around me with constantly, cuddle up to it at night as when I hold it close I can still smell you as if I was hugging you and you're still here with me. I would do anything for just another day with you, even an hour.
Memories will NEVER be enough, but I accept that will have to do.
How can I bear to lose you,
my precious gentle one,
to know that you will not be here
when my day is done.
So much of my heart, my love,
have I given up to you,
how then can I stand the pain
now that your life is through.
My grief overwhelms me,
the tears so freely flow,
how can I carry on my life,
with a heart that's laden so.
Then the answer comes to me
from the stillness in my soul,
remembering the love we shared
will help to make me whole.
I'll hold you in a special place,
so deep within my heart,
and in these loving memories,
we'll never be apart.
The years we shared, the little joys,
the laughter and the tears,
my love for you will never die,
but strengthen with the years.
So farewell, my precious love,
I gently let you go,
and pray to all the Gods' there be
that you will always know,
I loved you so,
my little one, that love will never cease,
I gave you warmth, I gave you love,
and now I give you peace.
Author Unknown
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You left your hoof prints emblazoned right across my heart, Sadie, and I will bear those with such pride. I feel your spirit with me and I know that will stay with me forever. You are part of me and I am part of you.
I miss you so much, my darling girl, the pain and aching in my heart will never cease until the day my time on earth is done, as you took a piece of me with you when you went to an eternal sleep.
I can only hope and pray you are running free with the sky herd near Rainbow Bridge, free from pain, feeling eternal warm sunshine on your back whilst you graze lush, green pastures. Wait for me gir,l wont you?, then we will cross the bridge together to a place were we will never be parted again.
Thank you so much for the last 19 years, I owe you so much, I can only hope I made you as happy and contented as you made me. You were one of a kind and thank you so very much for letting me be your mum.
I love you always and I will miss you every second of every day, you will NEVER be forgotten. May you rest in peace my gorgeous girl.
Till we met again……….your loving loyal mum.
Celia
P.S. Please don’t worry, Carl is taking such good care of me, even through his own grief, he misses you so much too. Everyone who’s lives you touched are heartbroken at your passing, you were so loved.
September 2011
I thought of you today but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame
Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part
God has you in his arms. I have you in my heart.
Author Unknown |
Its been 9 weeks and two days, baby girl, and I miss you like you only left me yesterday.
I hope you're happy and contented running with the sky herd. Are you looking down on me? As when I look up into the sky I am looking for you always.
Sometimes I watch the clouds as they change shape and flow across the sky, I imagine you galloping on golden hooves across them, soaring from cloud to cloud.
I love you, Sadie.
Mum
xx
October 2011
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY my beautiful Sadie May.
I still remember the 7th October all those years ago when I first saw you and our friendship began like it was only yesterday, do you remember too?
I cannot believe you're not here on this special day, it feels like the cruelest thing that you are not here with me. What I wouldn’t give to have you here with me just for an hour or even a single minute.
12 weeks and 5 days girl……..will I ever stop counting?...…..life is so hard without you and I miss you desperately every single day. As time goes by I am able to function more with life but inside I feel so sad and alone, like a vital part of me is missing and that is you my girl.
Don’t worry though, I will be OK and even though you are gone in body your spirit lives on in me and will give me the strength I need in life.
Everything Carl and I do in the future for needy animals and horses will be done in your memory…..in your name. I hope that makes you proud, sweet girl? You will live on in our hearts and always be part of our family, never ever forgotten.
I will see you again one day Sadie and that brings me some comfort, in the meantime I hope you're healthy and happy and getting used to running with the sky herd, look out for each other and don’t forget me, will you?
You were and are my best friend
You know that you are
We're weren’t always together
But we were never far apart
Over the years
We acted like clowns
You'd always make me smile
when I wore a frown
We’ve got lots of memories
And had lots of fun
Our prizes are limitless
From a race we've both run
I shared all my secrets
My worries and dreams
And when the stitching came apart
Its you who mended the seams
I want you to know that
From now until the end
You'll be in my heart
I love you - my best friend
I will light a candle for you and I tonight. |
Mum
Xxx
December 2011
Baby girl, I cannot believe 5 months have now passed since you had to leave so suddenly. It feels so surreal still, the feeling of loss and sadness is always present in my heart, never giving me even a moment's peace. I wonder if it ever eases? I am learning to live a life without you in it but it's so hard, I feel so lonely. I can be in a room full of family and friends but the sense of loneliness and aching for you is ever present.
I hope you are happy and healthy girl, I have been having some very vivid dreams of you lately and I can feel your presence almost physically at times, I just want to reach out and HUG you. I can't help but wonder if you are trying to tell me something. I hope wherever you are, you are OK and happy. I really wish I knew, it would bring me so much comfort and peace to know you are OK and are waiting for me.
It's Christmas next week and I wish you were here to celebrate with us, it will be so strange to not have you here, to see you on Xmas Day to give you your treats and presents. I can't remember a Christmas which you were not part of sweet girl.
A good friend sent me this poem the other week as she knows I am struggling, I know you would say the same to me if you could, wouldn’t you? I’ll try to remember these words.
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go.
Author Unknown
HAPPY CHRISTMAS my beautiful Sadie May
I love you always
Mum
xx
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Sadie May 
