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Gabriel
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16'1hh Clydesdale/Hackney
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16 years old |
Died June 17, 2010 |
If tears could build a stairway,
and memories could build a lane,
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again.
Author Unknown
Riley, I'll love you forever.
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I’ve tried to write this a hundred times, but no words can describe how he was, what he was and what he did for me. I wish I could give him the beautiful memorial that he deserves…but I can’t get the words out right. I’ve been riding since I was 8, I got him, my first - my only - when I was 15. He left me July 17, 2010 - I’m 22.
Seven years ago, Riley came into my life. For me there is no other, I didn’t just ride him, I didn’t just bond with him, work with him and understand him. He was my horse, I was his person. I can still vividly remember the first time I saw him, the first time I looked at him, the first time I touched him, felt him.
I feel as if God designed a horse for me and I was designed for him. I can vividly remember my heart was stolen away; I fell in love with everything about him. I see myself in him, I wonder if he ever saw himself in me. I remember I wanted a white or black horse, and was told to never get a horse with 4 white socks or buy the first horse you look at. Riley was brown and had 4 white socks and I didn’t look at another horse after I saw him. My style of riding was dressage, a Clydesdale/Hackney was not your typical pick for the sport.
People say a bond with a horse has to be built, and it takes time, and I believe that about every other horse - but Riley. With Riley I skipped the introductions and fell like we knew each other before we met. I feel like I loved him before I met him. He seemed so human sometimes. Yes, we built a better relationship over time. But by the end, I knew he loved me, I know he knew I loved him back, and that what we had was irreplaceable. I feel like he was my prince charming, no love I’ve ever felt has or will ever compare.
I boarded Riley since I got him; I always thought that when I was older I would have a small house with enough land to have Riley in my back yard with a goat or something. I could sit on my back porch and just watch him, look out the window and see him. He’d probably be at the barbeque trying to eat meat, since there was nothing he wouldn’t eat. He could welcome me when I came home. I thought he would live to be my old companion or my proud, beautiful lawn ornament. He was taken too early for me. I was given 4 weeks that turned into a week that turned into 2 days. I wish I had just one more day to sit with him and love him, touch him, and kiss him. Not that last day, not the day when I saw you unable to breath, coughing and lacking in the strength I saw every day that kept me going, when the day before you were happy, playing in your bran mash and giving me kisses.
I fell away from him during a period before he really got bad. I regret it, I just couldn’t stand hearing what was going wrong, and I hated seeing the strength, the contentment, the happiness, gone. I cut down on the amount that I saw him, I use to see him religiously 3 times a week for 6 years. I cut down the end of the last year to 2 times a week - I regret that too. How could I?
I had a physic come out and see Riley almost exactly a year ago just before things started to go downhill. The first thing she said was, "This was your first horse, wasn’t he?". "Yes." "You normally see him 3 times a week." "Yes..." "You only saw him twice last week…he missed you.". Maybe that’s why he didn’t hang on, maybe that’s why time was cut short. I wasn’t there to be his rock when he was always mine. I do this thing where I pull away to prepare myself for the end. I do it every relationship and I did it with Riley, but this wasn’t a break up. This was a life, a beautiful life ending and I let it end sooner than it had to.
I cried a lot the last month or two or three - before he died when I saw him - maybe that did it too. He played like a dog in the arena since we couldn’t ride. We’d do that …he’d run when I ran…right behind me, tossing his head, playing with me. Or we’d go for rides outside. I missed cantering through those fields, but I loved just being with you. I would laugh and then I would cry when I was with him. I felt so unstable I didn’t know how to handle the situation. He cuddled more near the end. I remember telling my coach that - she said he was asking me to help him - but, Riley, I didn’t know how!!! I didn’t know how to make your leg better, I didn’t know how to stop that tumor growing or slow it down or help you breath or stop it all. Maybe I should have gone to school and been a vet, but I’m not smart. I finally have a job that I can do that I like and I put it before Riley but I couldn’t loose another job. That’s how I could keep you, that’s how I was going to buy our new home. Maybe you were too busy comforting me to keep yourself strong, maybe I was selfish, but I couldn’t stand loosing you, and now I’ve lost you.
Sitting on your grave yesterday I relived your final breaths, remembered all the good times. I brought you skittles and flowers, and don’t worry, I ate all the red ones cause I know you don’t like the red ones. When things we cutting close I remember hearing a song, "Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now - wish right now - wish right now." I wished I prayed…but he still took you away.
I donno how to go on without you. You were everything...literally...you were my soul mate, my friend, my love, my hobby, my sport, my source of exercise, my place to go when I was upset, my place to go when I was happy, bored, tired…any mood. You were always there, you never got irritated with me, and you didn’t care what I looked like. I didn’t feel awkward around you like I do with every living person on this earth. I loved competing with you, I loved the competitiveness, and I know we never rode as well at shows as we did at home and you still would smoke the competition. I hate hugs, but you were a hug that I liked that wrapped around me the moment I saw you. I never held back affection with you, you never denied me affection. I don’t know what to do on Mondays and Wednesdays. I don’t have that friend that’s always there, that I can always go see, that’s happy to see me, that’s waiting for me.
I donno what to do. I’m trying to be strong, I’m trying to believe that you’re happy where you are and that one day I will see you again. But I want to wake up where you are. I want to know where you are and if I let you down. I can’t blame God for wanting you, and you were starting to really struggle. I feel so alone, I feel so empty, I feel so incomplete, so friendless, like I’ve lost my heart. I never realized but you’re the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I know it’s been like that for a very long time. It makes everything so much harder. I feel like I don’t have that meaning to live for.
I’ll end now cause this is getting long. This is a poem I wrote for Riley 3 or 4 years ago.
Riley
This is a poem to my Gabriel
of four socks, two flecks of white
and a heart of pure devotion
I love him I do, more than anything its true
I never thought I could love something this much
From the very first time I thought you were the one
Who'd make all of my dreams come true
I don't know why I’ve been so blessed
to love and to be loved by an angel like you
So bold he stands on hillside small
it seems like Everest to me
so strong, so silent, timid but brave
half-breed, but perfect in my eyes
What beauty he holds
how I honor him allowing me on his back
his pride I see in each gate he attempts
kisses so many, and fellowship shakes
his eyes never blink in my mines eye
I see him there, his look of knowing, integrity and understanding
I am his he knows
I am a part of him, he a part of me
I will stay in the eyes of this angel
sent by the heavens to be my wings
to make sense of this world
to be that little bit of hope
to be that real, true friend
a friend I don't have to loose
and who appreciates my friendship in return
I feel him deep in my heart,
together it feels like we can touch the sky
being close to him, he heals my hurts
he’s my cure
my cure from all the pain, sorrow and hurt in this world
Riley will always be there for me always,
There to turn every rainy day to a bright and shinning one
and I’ll always be there for him
no matter the distance I'll be there
never will I abandon you,
when you dare put your trust in me
When I hear your thundering hooves it's like you’re synchronized with my heart
We beat as one, with strength unbeknown by each other alone
but together can move mountains
You look at me in your cocky little ways
Your eagerness to follow and walk in my footsteps
Imprints harmony in our friendship
God can cascade a beautiful sunset behind you in a field so rich
and the most handsome thing with be
the horse I see beneath the heavens looking up at me.
Riley, I'll make you a promise if there is life after this
be waiting for me in the heavens with a warm wet kiss. |
This is the email my mom sent to family and friends to let them know about Riley. I want to thank everyone for their condolences…the tones of emails, messages, calls, etc. and a special thank you to my parents who bought me this beautiful horse, who came to all my shows, made Riley a part of the family and who supported him with all the costly vet bills. Thank you to Pat Kell who saw Riley was for sale and said, "This would be a good horse for Trina." And thank you to Marianna as well as the De Regts, who cared for him and put sunscreen on the pink side of his nose every sunny day :)
Email from my mom:
Today Mario and I decided to go to Cambridge (about two hours away) to pick up some furniture. Trina was in Sarnia (about an hour away) when we got the call that Riley was having a bad time and couldn't breath properly. The tumour in his nose has grown so fast (we were told we had about three to four weeks left and when Trina went there last night she said he was breathing quite well, but realized we would have to do something within a week or so.) I think when Trina is with him he relaxes and it helps him to breath better.
While we were in Cambridge we got a call from Marianna saying Riley was in distress and couldn't breathe well and call the vet, it was probably time. We phoned Trina who got her boyfriend to drive while she called the vet and we came home as fast as we could. The vet was amazing and was there before Trina. The vet and Trina walked Riley to the back of the barn and she cut some of Riley's tail for Trina and they gave him the injection. Mario and I were so upset as Trina went through this without us. Her boyfriend gave her the privacy she needed. When we got there it was over and we found Trina lying next to Riley just hugging him. She was not hysterical or anything, just devastated. She had been there like that for half an hour in the 90 degree temperature. I went to her and kissed Riley and finally persuaded her to leave him. Marianna could not be with Trina as she had a commitment at a show (she also said she could not watch him die and I can't blame her) but she had time to cover Riley up as soon as he died and had to leave.
Marianna and Nico have been tremendous. Eric bought Trina home here for awhile and we all sat and talked, but Trina needed to be somewhere where she would be distracted and her mind in a different place, away from the terrible thing she has been through, so Eric took her back to Sarnia. I think she feels cheated as she thought she would have a bit more time with him and had arranged a photographer to come again and take more pictures of him on Tuesday. She was so incredible brave and mature in this whole ordeal. Everyone was amazed that she stayed with him to the end, she said she owed it to him not to leave him. Eric, Marianna and Nico have been fantastic and so was the vet, Kendra.
Now Trina has to heal. The love of her life is now in Heaven teaching all other horses how to be great horses and he is now at peace.
Love Lyn
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Riley 