I can truly say nothing has ever meant so much to me in my life and you
were the one thing I thought I couldn't live without. I got Monte when he
was 3 years old. I was 15 and definitely did not know a great deal about
riding. His powerful presence, untamed temperament and his eyes - I was drawn
to this horse. On June 9, I was officially his owner and from there our bond
grew.
At first I needed him, I needed him to give meaning to my life and help me
carry on. No matter what would happen, I would get through it knowing that
I could wake up to see Monte. He proved to be truly incredible; amazing to
work with, incredibly in tune with your emotions and a pleasure to be around.
I put my whole trust into this horse and love him to bits and pieces. He
was my escape, the one pure thing in my life I clung onto over anything else.
The years passed between us, having gone to the barn sometimes at 2 in the
morning when I was unable to sleep, curling up in one of his blankets and
lying beside him for awhile. He would always calm me down, he just had something
about him that made everything seem bearable. I took him with me to university
out in BC and followed the trailer the whole way out (from Toronto). In BC
I discovered all the trails and fell in love with the freedom they lent.
On some days we would disappear into the forest for hours on end, some mornings
I would wake up super early and go for a gallop with him around the track
if I was restless and couldn't sleep or if I saw the sunrise and was itching
to see my horse. He was definitely the most amazing horse I could have ever
asked for.
This past summer he got a slight injury to his tendon and I was told to walk
him daily and had an appointment with the vet for the next week to get his
legs ultra sounded. One day we went on our usual bareback, halter-only walk
to the river. I got off by our usual spot and sat on the bench and watched
the river while Monte happily munched away. Little did I know that that was
to be our last ride together. Out of nowhere he pulled back and for the first
time did not listen to me as I was trying to calm him down. He reared up,
tore the lead rope out of my hand (I still blame myself for letting go at
times) and ran off. I thought he would run home and ran after him to the
barn, but he was not there. My friend helped me look for him in her car and
I got into mine. I was shaking and another friend of mine was about to get
onto his bicycle, but I asked him to drive since I was far too nervous at
this point. We drove in circles and finally I found a girl and asked her
if she had seen my horse; I remember it vividly (Is he your horse?...I'm
so sorry.). I felt a surge of rage, panic, frustration, and fright go through
my body, I don't need you to be sorry, I need to know where he is.
She then told me he was by the shipyard. We immediately drove the 100m or
so over, it seemed to take forever and as soon as we rounded the corner I
told him to stop. I saw my horse, a big white truck, about 10 people or more
standing around. I ran to my horse and the closer I got, the more I saw.
There was blood all over the road, and once I got close enough to see, I
saw his hind leg - his hock completely shattered. I hoped at the time that
it was muscle hanging off, but it was bone. I stopped. Thought I couldn't
breathe. Did not want to breathe. Walked towards him and told him how sorry
I was for letting go and that I loved him more than anything. I petted his
head and he lowered it as usual and I blew into his nose - he as usual
blew back. I fell to my knees, shaking. My friend helped me up. I do not
remember who was there, it's a blur. I stood up and remember looking at the
vet and usually they are supposed to keep on checking your horse and seeing
what they can do. But he just stood there, and at that moment I was living
my worst nightmare. He asked me if I was the horse's owner and I said yes.
He then asked if I was his legal owner and I also replied yes. He then proceeded
to tell me that my horse would not make it, that his hock is completely shattered
along with part of his stifle. He needed my permission to put him down. I
replied yes and he could barely hear me and repeated his question. I replied
yes once again. At that moment I stopped crying. Monte always tried to comfort
me whenever I got teary-eyed, but it was not his turn to comfort me. I had
to be strong for him. I petted him continually and told him much I loved
him. The vet said I would have to go because I would not want to see him
be put down. I would not budge. He then said I would have to take a step
back when he said so because Monte was going to fall. I nodded. He fell to
the ground and I immediately knelt down beside him and gave him the biggest
hug and gave him a kiss. I did not want to move. I asked the vet if he could
still hear me, if he was still alive. He said his heart stopped beating but
then his legs started shaking briefly and a faint glimpse of hope arose and
I thought he was still alive. I kept on telling him how much I loved him
and what an amazing horse he is. I lay on him and wanted to die right there
with him. I did not want to get up, let alone leave his side. After awhile
my friends, who I did not even realize were still there, got me to my feet
and put me in a car.
We went to get him flowers and I told them I needed to go back. I needed
to see him again. They tried to discourage me from seeing him again since
he was now under a tarp at the side of the road where it happened. I stopped
by the barn first to get him his cooler, fly spray and a pillow from my friend's
room. As we drove around the corner I prepared myself for him to be at the
side of the road under a tarp. Yet no amount of time or talking could have
prepared myself for that moment. We drove up on the other side of the road
and stopped. I got out, they came with me and I just simply said I needed
to be alone. I walked over to the tarp that had rocks around it to hold it
down. I lifted them off and uncovered him. I placed his cooler over him and
put a pillow under his head, his head was heavy and an incredible woman was
there to help me lift his head. She sat off to the side and watched. I put
fly spray on him as well and at this point curled myself under his neck and
lay my head on his neck. I petted him and then there was silence. The night
grew darker and colder as the moon was rising. It was the most beautiful
full moon I had ever seen. As I lay there thinking he grew colder as well,
the blood had dried, his tongue was blue and at that moment I realized he
was no longer there. An odd sense of calmness flooded over me. I gave him
another kiss and lay there. I then began to talk to the lady that was still
sitting there. I told her how much he meant to me and how I did not want
to go on. I did not want to learn a lesson with regards to losing the one
thing that I loved more than anything else. She said she had been there for
the accident. Saw him galloping around the corner, the lead rope wrap around
his leg, his inability to make the corner of the road and also his attempt
to jump the car at the side of the road. He crashed into the car's windshield
and she said she watched and as soon as he fell was with him and talked to
him. Christen said she had never met a horse who calmed down so fast as soon
as she started talking to him. She told me that this horse knew what love
and trust was, thanks to me. Tears were rolling down my face as I listened
to her speak; her words comforting yet for something I never thought I would
be talked to about. She left after awhile and I continued to lie with him.
I lay there thinking about him, what an incredible horse he was and that
I will always love him. I got up and gave him one last kiss. With tears rolling
down my face, I placed the tarp over him again and the rocks around it,
placing the flowers on the tarp. I turned around one last time and blew him
a kiss.
Monte was an incredible
horse. With time our relationship matured from a needy relationship -
I needed him to get me through my life and keep going - to an incredible
pure, unselfish love. I appreciated and loved every moment I spent with him,
did not need him to give me meaning anymore, it ceased to be needy; turned
into a more appreciative relationship. I realized he complemented me and
that I did not need him, that I could, technically live without him, however
it would not be the same and I would not feel whole.
The days that passed after his death were incredibly difficult
and it took me about two weeks to make sense of things. I dreaded waking
up and would get teary-eyed several times throughout the day. I sat by the
river thinking of him and missed him like crazy. Finally I made up my mind
that I did want to go on, that he was an amazing experience that was never
negative - a tragedy yes, but he never taught me not to love and never betrayed
my trust. He taught me how to love unconditionally, unselfishly and to give
my whole heart and trust like I never had before.
I love him for the horse he was and thank him for the valuable lessons he
taught me. I will always miss him, however, I realize that I must go on and
take what he taught me with me throughout my life. As time passes, I remember
him for the amazing horse he was and the painful moments where I feel like
I can not breathe and miss him unbearably will decrease. I will always love
Monte and he will truly always have the most special place in my
heart.
You will
always be my light...my shining star.
Love you always,
Sue
Monte 
