Amber, Amberz Tink,
It is getting close to the day that I had to send you to the bridge...to heaven.
Every year...when it gets close to that time...I feel sad. It affects me terrible. It has been 2 years, and I can finally write about this. I miss you soooo much.
I went to the pasture yesterday to see the horses...and Katie...your baby. It was raining so I didn't walk down to them but I could almost see you in your favorite place...looking up to me when I would come in the gate...nickering at me...wanting to be brushed and of course...your treat.
We had a special bond...I love all my horses and Katie is our baby...but taking care of you all the time, you were hurt and had the baby...we trusted each other totally. You let me go to Katie the morning she was born and touch her and hold her. We had much fun together, you and I. Many secrets shared...many days of just being together...and I am so very grateful for each and every one. Your beauty has been carried on by sweet Katie.
You told me when it was time to let you go. That last week, I cried and fought with you and begged you and ignored you looking at me. I pleaded with God...if there is one...I sat with you...brushed you...and the last night, you were laying down, and wouldn't get up when I took you the treat. You just looked at me with your beautiful brown eyes...telling me to let you go. I sat by you on the grass...it was wet...the irrigation had been running and you liked the coolness of it. You put your head down on the ground by me...and I just ran my hands over your head...your mane...whispering through tears that I loved you and that I would miss you. I told you I didn't know if I could do what had to be done, but I wouldn't let anyone else take you. We sat in the grass with baby Katie standing there...nuzzling us...talking of our life together. I finally went home at dark...after the mosquitoes came out and you got up to let Katie nurse...Katie was a year old...but you were such a good momma to her.
The next morning I went to work...called the vet and made an appointment for 10 am. Left work...drove as slow as possible to my home...got the truck and drove to the field. Amber, you were laying down when I got there...I couldn't look at you as I drove to the horse trailer and hooked it up. I got in the truck and drove across the field to you. You got up as I got there. The other horses were there...watching...worrying. You looked at them all and they were all quiet. Katie nursed for the last time...and then you came to me. I put the halter on you and led you to the trailer. I know you could barely walk now...and it was hell for you to get into the trailer. As I led you to the front, you saw I had put a whole bunch of grain and horse treats into the feeder...a last meal, of sorts. I could barely tie you...I was crying so hard...and finally just let the rope go through the loop and left it. I leaned into your mane and smelled you as I always did. You smelled of sunshine and love...of running horses and freedom. God, I would miss you.
I closed the trailer door, then I got into the truck and drove to the gate...horses ran alongside the trailer calling to their Amber...Katie screamed for her momma. The sound of a horse's scream is a terrible sound...she followed behind the trailer...calling and calling. As I opened the gate I had to chase them away...Katie still calling. Amber, you called out one last call back to them all....and l drove away.
The ride to the vet I don't remember...cried all the way...careful to not rock the trailer and cause you more pain. I pulled into the yard and the kind vet came right out. He helped me get you into a pen...told us to take our time. I had brought scissors and cut off part of your tail to later make into a necklace and bracelet for me. I tried to take photos of you...but you were sad looking at me...and relieved...and I didn't want to remember that. I held your neck and sobbed, sobbed, and sobbed. And you leaned into me...I smelled you again and again, trying to burn that smell into my head. The vet came out again. I asked if I could stay and be with you while you went. He said no, it was too dangerous and not something for me to see. I argued have assed....but looking at you...I knew you didn't want me to stay. I told him I would be a few more minutes and he said ok and left me with you.
I smelled you one last time...kissed your eyes, your nose and your cheeks...looked into your eyes one last time...and knew I was doing the right thing...what you wanted and what you needed. There was too much pain for you now...and you had done what you had to do...raise Katie. I told you I loved you one last time and then the vet and his assistant came out. I left the pen and looked at the sun.
I got in the truck to leave...looked back at you, Amber. You were lying down again...so very tired...so much pain...for both of us.
I would never be the same again...
Now it has been 2 years since you had to leave me. As I drove away that terrible day I could see in your eyes that it was time for you to go...but I couldn't take it. Now after these 2 years, I can finally write about it and honor you. Katie has grown into a fine girl and has become a great horse to ride...like you, my sweet girl.
I miss you so much. You were my life and my love girl...the other horses miss you...I miss you. I will see you again...and we will ride wild and free...all of us together...
I love you Amber.
Joni
Amberz 
